


Formal Complaint by Leonard H. McCoy

by cuphugaddict



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Confused Bones, E-mails, Grumpy Bones, M/M, Online Dating, Who on Earth singed Bones up for an Online Dating Website?, dammit, unbetad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2018-09-25 03:09:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 9,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9800207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuphugaddict/pseuds/cuphugaddict
Summary: When Leonard McCoy finds his own profile on an Online Dating Website called "Star Crossed Lovers" that he most certainly did not sign up for himself - dammit - he contacts the website's team via e-mail and demands the whole ungodly thing to be deleted at once.Enter Jim Kirk, founding member of "Star Crossed Lovers", who doesn't believe the whole accidental-set-up-theory at all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is a little piece I started a few nights ago in a desperate need to clear my head from my dissertation for a bit (which is behind schedule anyway, so I shouldn't be doing this at all, but hey, why not?). This is also - partly - the reason why I chose the style of e-mails being exchanged over full length chapters. So maybe, I can sneak an e-mail or two between my work schedule more often than I would be able to write a chap. Keep your fingers crossed.
> 
> This idea just came to me and I threw myself in, not knowing where this is going, so it will be as much a surprise to me as it will be for you. I hope you enjoy it. If you did and also if you didn't, please leave e comment. Those always make my day a lot brighter :)

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [office@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:office@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: Request for Account Removal

 

Ladies and Gentlemen,

 

as of recently, I have received numerous e-mails from various women who were keen on making my acquaintance. In my attempt to get to the bottom of this, I have contacted some of them who seemed to possess the highest degree of sanity in the sample of 43 contestants and they pointed me towards your website.

 

I am not aware of how exactly that happened but somehow – miraculously – you have received almost entirely correct information about me (including that horrid picture) as well as the ridiculous idea that I am looking for a relationship. Just to clarify that – I am not. Therefore I request my profile being deleted from your website. Furthermore I would like to know how you acquired said information and why you uploaded it without the clear consent of the respective party – which would be me.

 

Sincerely,

Leonard McCoy

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: RE: Request for Account Removal

 

Dear Mr. McCoy,

 

first of all I want to thank you for your message and assure you that we are sorry for your inconveniences.

 

Secondly, I can assure you that all the details of your application and the ensuing publication of your personal information on our website are valid; I have checked it personally and everything is in order. As you said yourself, every piece of information about you is correct, so we obviously didn’t make anything up there. Star Crossed Lovers tries to bring people who are willing to start a relationship together and if we had known that somebody in our files does not want that, we would not have published his or her information in the first place. But I have to admit that this special occasion had never happened … until now.

 

What does happen from time to time is the fact that sometimes, clients get insecure, shy and a little embarrassed that they asked for our services in the first place and back out of it again.

 

Either way, I am afraid I cannot stop people who may already have your e-mail address from writing to you. I’d suggest that if you are lucky and already have somebody in your life, just consider the mails as compliments and if not … well, eventually you might find somebody of interest.

 

Sincerely,

James Kirk

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And there's already another one ... I hope you enjoy!

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: Request for Account Removal – URGENT!

 

Dear Mr. Kirk,

 

in my last e-mail I kindly asked for the removal of my profile on your website. Your response, however, did not clarify if you did so or not. In either case, let me ask you again to delete my information permanently. As I do not intend to find a girlfriend, wife or whatever I have no need for your services.

 

Moreover, and without the intent of being unfriendly, I can only underline that I don’t think that you are practicing a very professional behavior. This brings me again to the most pressing question about this whole misunderstanding, namely, how you got to all the facts about me (which are not fully correct, I might add). It must have been through some unlawful way and you’re probably just trying to make money off other people’s lives – in fact I don’t care. I’ve got other things on my mind these days. And if you remove my profile from your website, I won’t even contact my lawyer about this.

 

I truly hope you are going to follow my request this time.

 

Sincerely,

Leonard McCoy

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys that I have kept you waiting for so long.  
> This week was hell ... But finally, we have an answer from Jim :)

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: Urgent Reply to an Urgent Request

 

Dear Mr. Leonard Horatio McCoy, M.D.,

(I sincerely hope that the name as well as the official title are correct – except maybe the middle name, which is kind of a mouthful taken together with _Leonard_ , but I happen to have a pretty nice one myself so I do not intend to judge)

 

I am keen to underline (once again) that we at Star Crossed Lovers are running a perfectly respectable business and I have your application neatly filled out and with signature lying next to me on my desk as I am writing this e-mail. If you still want to contact your lawyer about this, please do so. This action will only prove that we are running a perfectly sound business and that everything is in order.

 

What I want to make clear to you is that we do not intend to make money but we believe in true love and if we can contribute to two people discovering it, it makes us happy. That’s why we built our firm up. And just because some people aren’t looking for it, and I don’t want to call any names here, it doesn’t mean that nobody does believe in the magic of love anymore.

 

Right now, it becomes clear to me that you really haven’t filled your profile out yourself because if you had, I’m afraid you wouldn’t have gotten over 40 mails from women who wanted to date you – considering your charm.

 

And if you still want your information removed, why don’t you just ask nicely and stop your insults?

 

Sincerely,

James Kirk

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being so patient with me ... and here we go with another flow of e-mails!

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: Unbelievable …

 

Mr. Kirk,

 

would you please be so kind and remove my personal information from your respectable website?

 

Respectfully,

Leonard H. McCoy, M.D.

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: RE: Unbelievable …

 

Dear Mr. McCoy,

 

as much as I would like to follow your nicely phrased wish (although you could have done better with the subject line – still room for improvement there) I am afraid to inform you that I cannot.

 

Your membership has been prepaid and it would be highly unprofessional from our organization to remove your profile and basically just consume your money without any service in return. Therefore, it will stay online for another two months and a half – as fixed in the contract that you signed.

 

As I can vividly see your response to that last remark while I am writing this, let us just consider the version you so vehemently cling to, namely that you did not set up your account yourself.

Here is what you can do: You need to find the person who did this for you as said person has all the information about our services. Said hypothetical person then needs to fill out our cancellation formula, we will withhold a small service fee but transfer the rest back to you and then you are good to go, so to speak.

 

If there isn’t such a phantom-persona in your immediate surroundings:

Why don’t you just save us all the trouble and do the thing yourself? There is no shame in re-evaluating the decisions you made and if you don’t want to find a partner anymore, hey … that’s fine with me. Why women showing interest in you and your personality is such a terrible thing is way beyond me …

 

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

James Kirk

 

 

 

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: UNBELIEVABLE !!!

 

Now listen here you incapable infant,

 

if I would know who that person who actually set up my account was, I would be at his/her doorstep with murderous intentions and not be wasting my time with you, Mr. Know-It-All.

 

As to your statement about the e-mails that still keep flooding my inbox: I can very easily believe that you cannot fathom why normal people like me would be offended by the truly ridiculous messages I am getting every day but let me tell you something: Opening one mail and being exposed to the most horrendous (and wrongly applied) medical euphemisms for various body parts followed by the next mail which offers me a receipt for lasagna right after a quite plump invitation for BDSM can quite easily upset you – most of all after a 14-hour shift and a ten-year-old not wanting to go to bed on time. Those e-mails are like a devilish downward spiral sinking fast!

 

Why can I not simply enjoy these mails, as you so kindly suggested?

Let’s see: First of all I DID NOT WANT THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE! Secondly – if you believe it or not – there are people who are looking for more than a few pictures of naked boobs in a relationship. As a third but equally important matter, I am not looking for boobs in the first place which my failed marriage can testament perfectly. You might take this as another indicator for the fact that I am desperately trying to get through to you since my first mail: If I would have set up this account myself, don’t you think I would at least have the goddamn wits to set the gender I am looking for right?!

 

If I get another message that promises me to break the bone in my hard cock (did I mention that for a doctor this level of ignorance and plain stupidity is physically painful!) I hereby vow that your respectable and professional firm will receive my shrink bills.

 

Leonard McCoy

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: RE: UNBELIEVABLE !!!

 

Dear Bones,

 

I have to admit that as pissed off as your last message had me at the beginning, its ending had me in tears. Not in those that you are probably shedding while receiving these lovely mails from your female admirers, but ones of laughter.

 

As our “respectable and professional” company can probably not afford your “shrink bills”, let me help you to narrow your search for the phantom persona down a bit: Who knows you well enough to care for your relationship status but is unfamiliar enough with your private life to not know that you are gay? Nice coming-out by the way … I never heard any male do that while referring to “naked boobs”. At least I don’t think I did …

 

Anyway, back on track:

I hope that I could contribute at least a little bit to secure your sanity. If you got any wiser, I’m pretty sure I’ll hear from you again – which, believe it or not, I am looking forward to. Your e-mails are always very entertaining.

 

Sincerely,

Your incapable infant Jim Kirk

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay guys ... it has been a crazy week.  
> Anyway, here is the next part in their lovely exchange that I truely hope you will enjoy.  
> Thank you so much for the Kudos and especially to those who took the time to comment. You are awesome <3
> 
> Also: I do not share Jim's conception of the name Leonard ^^

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: AW:RE: UNBELIEVABLE !!!

 

Dear Mr. Kirk,

 

don’t you dare and use mistakes in the conception of male anatomy to create a nickname for me! This does not contribute to my sanity at all! Furthermore, let me ask you something: Are you deliberately trying to set me on edge with using my formulations in quotation marks?

 

I am glad that you seem to enjoy my misery that has me writing this seemingly endless stream of e-mails to you … and here I was, thinking that I owe you an apology for my last one. I have written that right after the lasagna-mail and I realized that I probably should have let some time pass in order to cool my head. Anyhow …

 

Sadly, I am none the wiser who might have signed my account for me … I already had my dear daughter in mind, who is constantly (and unnecessarily) concerned with my private life but obviously, she knows about my sexual preferences and so, she is ruled out. The same things apply to my mother, who is also _very_ concerned about me raising my offspring alone. But I guess you have one of those over-caring beings as well, so I’m pretty sure you know what I’m talking about …

 

I am a complete loss. I presume that you cannot tell my any details about my application? Not even if I ask nicely?

 

Sincerely,

Leonard McCoy

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: I AM NOT changing that nickname …

 

My dearest Bones,

 

tell me something: If you found a bucket of gold, would you just abandon it?

No, I did not actually find one and neither am I asking this without a particular reason. You see, at first I thought that _Leonard_ , as a name, fitted you perfectly. But this was way back when I thought you to be a soulless and utterly boring human being. But the “rant-mail” as I have labelled the one in which you told me about the … lasagna … gave me hope. Hope that you were not a Leonard … a true Leonard. There are other exceptions of course, like Leonard Cohen for example, but they are rare. So I was frantically trying to find a more fitting name for you (while carefully reading your mail) and there it was: BONES! It’s just gold and it will stay. End of story.

… Should I add it to your profile, by the way?

 

Something serious I wanted to ask you about your profile though, and I don’t know why that question didn’t already come to mind the last time: Would you like me to change your preferred gender? I mean, if this thing is staying online, it might as well be useful, right? Just say the word and I’ll do it …

 

May I ask another question: Your daughter is ten, if I remember correctly, right? And she truly would set up such a profile for you, pay for it and everything? If this is true, I think your daughter is awesome! What other ten-year-old would do such a thing for her father? I think this is great and you are lucky to have such a kid … even though she might not always go to bed on time.

The same applies to your over-caring mother, Bones. You may not appreciate her and her efforts from time to time but let me tell you, just be happy about it. And I am an expert on the matter because I lack such a model of motherliness and I would rather swap mine with yours. I don’t want to sound like a heartless person to you but I just wanted you to know that over-caring mothers are not that easy to come by, actually. Why are you raising your girl alone, though? Doesn’t she have a mother too?

 

If all of my questions are too personal then just ignore them, I am just getting curious about the man I am mailing to almost every day.

 

*Professionalism on*

As to your question about the details of the person who signed up for your account I’m afraid that I really cannot help you. Seriously, I am not being an ass or anything (there goes my professional-mode), but whoever set it up did so online … so the only thing I have is an IP-Address. But as much as I love the idea of you frantically searching for the owner of said IP-Address, I am not allowed to give it away. Company rules, sorry!

 

I hope you are having a good day without a 14-hour shift.

Still your incapable infant, Jim Kirk

(you might as well call me that and stop the Mr. Kirk-crap)

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: You cannot be serious …

 

Hello Jim,

 

you cannot tell me anything about who set up my account, you cannot delete it but you can just change the preferred gender? Just like that? No proofs of identity, no blood sample and no finger prints? … Now I don’t want to be an ass, but whoever set up your company rules has a serious problem, at least in my humble opinion.

 

Anyhow, I’m still contemplating the question mentioned above because I am not sure if I am ready for another stream of mails similar to those that just die down – way too slowly for my liking.

I’ll get back to that …

 

As to your other questions (and not in the order you posed them):

Yes, my daughter is ten and she would absolutely be up for actions like setting up a fake dating profile for me because she thinks that I am too lonely (which I am not). I’m sure she has some of her pocket money hidden away from prying eyes for emergency situations like this. I guess she got that from my mother as the two of them constantly interfere with my private life. I guess you could say that it runs in the family. Obviously, she has a mother (please don’t adjust to the level of medical stupidity I as of recently had to deal with) but, after she had gotten full custody of our child, citing the reason that basically, I am untrustworthy scum, she had started dating some hot-shot who didn’t like kids very much. Which is why she has pushed Joanna away and into my previously incapable arms. We are doing fine, by the way…

 

Speaking of the mother-thing:

Don’t tempt me! No seriously, at the moment, I would trade her just like that. When I returned home today, I found a letter of her in my mailbox with an invitation to our annual family-thing (big celebration, we’ve been doing that for as long as I can remember) with the obligation (!!!) to bring a plus one. Normally, I would just use Joanna for the job, as she obviously comes along as well, but get this: My mother sent her one of her own, where the plus one is optional. I have been trying to trade invitations with her (I even let her have chocolate chip pancakes for dinner) but she won’t. Stubborn little kid!

 

I don’t know why I told you this … sorry.

Leonard

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: RE: You cannot be serious …

 

My dearest Bones and hero of the day,

(Who am I kidding? of the year)

 

even though I am aware that I am pushing my luck with you right now after all those lovely e-mails you got, let me declare that I absolutely und unrequitedly love you! Your grumpiness be damned, I would kiss the ground you walk on. I would not only fly to the moon but to the most distant galaxy and get you whatever you wanted from there. I would marry you and henceforth be your plus one for your family party every year as long as I live (and believe me, I am not mentioning marriage and lifelong commitment lightly!). I would have your babies (yes, I am aware that this is medically not possible), raise them for you and find their hidden stack of pocket money if it would make your day any brighter.

 

Why you ask?

 

Well, let me tell you a little story:

Our company has the most uptight and emotionless head-lawyer you can imagine. No seriously, I think that you cannot imagine aura of absolute correctness that constantly surrounds him. Everything has to be perfect, no slips allowed and we basically have a policy for everything (as you probably are aware of). You can possibly imagine how shocked he was when I alerted him to the fact that simple changes in clients’ profiles are allowed without any proof of their identity – okay, who am I kidding, you CANNOT POSSIBLY imagine that. It was epic! Suddenly he turned all silent and almost green!!! I thought that he was going to faint any second (which sadly, he did not).

 

Thank you so much, my dear Bones, for one of the best moments of my life – and quite possibly, as I told him at a team meeting, not only mine.

 

(The bad news however is that you only have until Spock comes up with a new regulation to make the change without any proof of identity. I’m so sorry, but if I calculate everything correctly, he might only be a day – tops. So hurry up!)

 

Completely in awe,

Jim

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this update has taken as long as it managed to take ... I hope, the next one will be up much sooner.  
> AND: A special thank you goes to the "commenters"; you guys are great and you don't know how much it means to me that you are taking the time to leave your thoughts with me. <3


	7. Chapter 7

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com-)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: Change of Preferred Gender

 

Hello Jim,

 

your confessions of undying love that included anatomical inadequacies aside, I am glad that I could make your day. Even though I would never ask of anyone to kiss the ground I’m walking on as this is highly unsanitary. And, quite frankly, if your lawyer has a stick like that up his ass, it only serves him right. (Seriously, who doesn’t let people delete their own profiles?!)

 

As you have so kindly (and in brackets) alerted me to the fact that the time span for changes without DNA-samples is rather reduced, please do change my preferred gender to male. My head nurse told me today that I need to be more spontaneous (seriously, why in the name of God, Mary and all the saints is everybody concerned with my private life?!) so that’s what I’m doing now. Being spontaneous. I am already looking forward to the responses I will get …

 

Now that all of those things are settled, I have a question of my own I want to ask you (and as you have been fed with all kinds of information about me, it is only fair if you answer this truthfully):

What do you mean with “I am not mentioning marriage and lifelong commitment lightly”? Why does that make me feel like a certain employee is not sharing the philosophy of his professional organization?

 

Another thing that I wanted to mention is that I am not grumpy, as you so nicely phrased it.

 

Sincerely,

Leonard

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: RE: Change of Preferred Gender

 

Dear sneaky Bones,

 

at first I want to inform you that – hurray! – you managed to beat Spock’s workaholicolism and you were still in time with your request. (And I mean that quite literally: The minute after I made the change, he stormed in with the new policy. Now, we are not allowed to do that anymore, so lucky you!) The gender of your liking has been changed and I sincerely hope that the replies you get are more to your liking than those last ones … and don’t include receipts. Or they do, if that’s your thing, whatever, I am not the judging kind.

 

I have to say Bonesy, you truly are perceptive and nothing gets past your capable eyes – which is a good thing for your patients, I guess. What kind of doctor are you by the way? A shrink? Or … hell, I don’t even know what kinds of doctors are there. I mean of course I know but I cannot think about the correct vernacular right now. And as I am sure that I would only upset you, I’ll leave it be …

 

Back on track:

Were this a classic thriller or crime movie, I guess you could say that I have been found out by detective Bones. Ha, I just realize that there is this series … do you know that one? Okay no, not going there now. As you have so marvelously uncovered, I am not exactly what you would call the relationshippy-type of person. Which does not mean, as I want to emphasize, that I do not believe in love. The kind of love that I give is also love; maybe not the one that fairy tales are written about, but it is still love. I do think that the fairy tale kind of love also exists, by the way. My parents were madly in love, for example. So madly in fact, that the death of my father basically killed my mother slowly from the inside. I guess this is why she is as cold today as she is. This is not about my parents –

What I want to get through to you is that I do think that there is somebody out there for everybody, I just did not run across that person yet. Maybe someday … who knows?

 

After I have revealed the hidden depths of my soul to you now, would you mind if you kept me updated about your dates? Seriously, I feel like we are slowly getting to know each other and I am really curious. Of course, you don’t have to …

 

All the best,

Jim

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dearest readers, I am so sorry that this chapter took so long, but - in my defense - I didn't have internet connection for the last one and a half week. During a thunderstorm lighning struck and killed my WiFi ... thanks for that Thor.  
> Anyway, this meant, that I had time to write, so here we go ...

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: AW: RE: Change of Preferred Gender

 

Hello Jim,

 

first things first: Why in the name of God would you assume I was a shrink?! What the hell, you infant?!

To set things right: As of today I run the emergency unit of our communal hospital and I also have a practice on the side that I have inherited from my father. Before that I have been a neurosurgeon but those days are over.

 

As you have so kindly asked, I am still contemplating if I am keeping you updated if there is any progress in my private life. But please don’t turn into one of those people as well. With “those people” I mean the ones that are constantly worried that I am going to die alone – and miserably so. If you promise not to lecture me I just might tell you a thing or two. Maybe. If you are not annoying …

… As of today, I have received a few e-mails and after I have finished writing this, I am going to tend to them.

 

Before I do that, though, let me tell you that I was very sorry to read about your parents. You don’t have to explain anything to me – I hate that myself and try to avoid it like the plague – but let me tell you, we all have our demons. I am no exception and we all have our specific ways of dealing with them.

 

Before I sound even more like the shrink you believe me to be, let me tell you goodbye and just to clarify: No, I am not into receipts.

 

Leonard

 

 

 

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: INFANT!

 

Just so you know, as of now I truly hate you … and I am not updating you on my dates. And it’s entirely your own fault you childish wiseass!

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: RE: INFANT!

 

Dear Bones,

 

what, you don’t like quiche? It’s like the French equivalent to lasagna! … Maybe. Honestly, I don’t have a clue about cooking but it seemed the right thing to send to you. Think of it as a good luck charm.

 

I’m sure you are just being your grumpy but not truly hateful self and will give me, your very patient person in charge here at Star Crossed Lovers, the highlights of your dates, right? … Right?

 

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Infant Jim

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: AW: RE: INFANT!

 

My dearest Bones,

 

concluding from the silence on your part I realize that the receipt might not have been a good idea. I am very sorry that I upset you and I promise I won’t do it again. Pinky Promise.

 

How are you doing?

(Not specifically in the dating-business, just generally …)

 

I can’t almost believe that one is capable of actually miss “talking” to a person you have literally never met and hence never really talked to, but I do miss the thrill of finding a mail with angry exclamation marks in the subject line.

 

Your really-sorry-and-admittedly-sometimes-really-childish Jim

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: BOOOOOOOONES!!!

 

Dear Leonard Horatio McCoy, M.D.,

 

there, now you’ve done it! I am the one using the exclamation marks now.

 

(Might I be also the one pointing out that I am not the only one who is behaving slightly childish at the moment …? I mean, come on, it was only the receipt and did not contain the promise to break the bone in your hard cock, right?)

 

Hoping that you will return this e-mail,

Jim

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: BOOOOOOOONES …?

 

Dearest Bones,

 

you are not dead, are you?

 

Your slightly concerned

Jim Kirk

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: BOOOOOOOONES …?!!

 

Dear Bones,

 

by now you have me actually scared that something has happened to you.

Could you just tell me that you are okay … please? You can also tell me that you hate me and never want to talk to me again – in the same sentence. If necessary. With exclamation marks!

 

Your now officially concerned

Jim Kirk

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Sorry for the delay ... and a huge thank you to all of you who read and especially those who commented on my story. You are amazing <3

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: I can’t believe you’ve talked me into this …

 

Hello Jim,

 

I don’t know if a stranger being concerned for my well-being should make me feel oddly pleased or if I should be freaking out. Anyway, thank you – I guess. I can assure you that I am fine. Physically speaking. I did have a lot to put up with lately – at work and with Joanna. Which was why I couldn’t find the time to write back. Well, after the first two I thought “Serves him right, the bastard” to be honest. But I literally just read the rest of them alongside way worse ones than your quiche-mail. I’m not sure if I’m gonna answer any of them …

 

If I decide to give one of these … costumers of yours a shot, I’ll let you know. But seriously, I know that I have been out of the dating business for quite some time but some of the stuff I’m getting sent must be illegal.

 

Anyway, I need to sleep! Good night.

Bones

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: He lives!!! =)

 

My dear Bones,

 

first things first: YAY that you’re still alive and physically well. And let me apologize again for my quiche-mail. It was seriously meant to cheer you up. Which brings me to the next obvious question: Have you found anybody worthy of a date with the amazing Doctor McCoy?

Of course you don’t have to feed me any details – but feel free to do so and satisfy my curiosity – but I’d like to know if our services are working up to a reasonable degree. Professionally speaking of course.

 

I could not help but note that despite the fact that you assured me your physical well-being that maybe lacked a bit of sleep (Did you realize you signed with Bones? I count this as a major success, by the way), your psychological state might be a bit … off. So if you want to talk about anything, work or Joanna, please feel free to do so as well. I’d like to help. And if I can’t help because I obviously have no clue about kids or medical knowledge whatsoever I’ll be happy to listen. Well … read. You know what I mean.

 

Have a nice day Bonesy!

Yours, happily,

Jim

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is, the update that you guys had to wait much too long for - which I am sorry about, by the way. There was just a lot of stuff happening and I couldn't even single out the time to write something like two short e-mails (which is kind of paradoxical as there have been days where I wrote e-mail after e-mail, but that's life I guess).
> 
> ... Anyway, I hope that you, amazing people who did not abandon the story even after a wait like that, will enjoy the short piece and that the next one is not going to take me that long!

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: Do not use smileys in my subject line! What are you? Twelve?

 

Dear Jim,

 

thanks again for your concern. But I’m afraid that you can’t help me in either case so I’ll just save you all the trouble. It is enough that I wrack my brains about it until they explode like a firecracker on the fourth of July.

 

I have, however, singled out a few candidates for a “date” as you called it and the first one is next week. If nothing comes up. I mean, it might happen that I get called in by the hospital because there is an emergency. Or that there is something up with Joanna. Or, of course, the guy might decide not to show up at all. Which makes me question why I am doing this in the first place if it might only be a waste of my time. Anyhow, I’ll keep you posted although I really don’t know why.

 

Yours,

** Leonard **

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: They are called emoticons now Bones! How old are you? A hundred and thirty?

 

Dear Bonesy,

 

okay, you don’t want to talk to me about personal stuff, that’s alright. After all we do not actually know each other. Well, one might argue if an actual face-to-face meeting makes you get to know a person better than exchanging e-mails like we do. I think that some of the people I do see every day I do not know even half as well as I do you by now, but I do see your point.

 

What you did tell me through your rambling about your upcoming date (super excited here, Bones!!!) is that you are nervous, if I am not completely mistaken. Which, considering your dashing looks on the pic you’ve uploaded, can only mean that you haven’t been on a date in some time. Or did you upload someone else’s pic? Did you?!! Cause that’s not cool Bones …

So let me, James T. Kirk, the master of small talk tell you something: You’re going to be fine! You are a settled, good-looking, doctor with a sexy southern accent – Do you have an accent? – What could possibly go wrong? Don’t be too grumpy though because some people might be scared away easier than annoying little me.

 

Good luck with everything.

Yours,

Jim

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: I don’t give a rat’s ass what they are called …

 

Dear James T. (?) Kirk, master of small talk,

 

just to be clear about something, I am not nervous. I am just considering options – I have to consider various options – and not jump at everything like a mad bull would a red flag. It is not as easy for a father of a sulking ten year-old to get a babysitter for an entire night. It also happens to be the case that I have to get going right after I get off my shift, so I hope there won’t be any delays there … and then the traffic … I don’t even want to start on the traffic!

 

To answer one of your questions (and to get to know each other even better even if we have never met each other in person): Yes, I do have an accent. If it is considered to be sexy by the respective other party is entirely up to them. Also: Of course it is a picture of me, what are you thinking?! Even though I DID NOT upload it myself. But you know that and are just being your annoying self.

 

Anyway, go back minding your own business!

Sincerely,

Leonard

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: You should give a rat’s ass though … People shouldn’t think that you are ancient.

 

My dearest Bones,

 

I knew that you had an accent! And if you don’t mind me saying so: Everybody thinks Southern accents to be sexy. If not, they’re not worth your time, trust me on that one!

 

As I am my annoying self, as you so kindly pointed out, I did not go back to minding my own business and could not help but notice that you spoke of hiring a babysitter for the whole night (!!!). My dear doctor, what are you planning on doing all the time? ^^ Use your God-given accent to seduce him right away and have kinky sex all night so you both will be having trouble walking the next day?

Seriously though, I would have taken you for the take-the-guy-for-dinner-then-grab-a-drink-and-maybe-a-walk-and-whack-my-brains-if-I-should-kiss-him-already-or-not-during-the-process-kind of guy. Turns out I’m wrong. Maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought. My bad!

 

(Why am I under the impression that you want to murder me when you are done reading this …?)

 

Your hopefully for much, much longer member of the land of the living,

Jim Kirk

(Seriously, the T. is not worth elaborating)

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: These subject lines are getting out of hand here …

 

You perverted little maniac,

 

what on God’s green earth has hit your head recently?

I am a doctor, damn it, don’t you think that I am a bit pickier when it comes to people I have sexual intercourse with?! I am seriously contemplating on giving you the STD-lecture right now. And send it to you … as an audio file!

 

To answer your hidden question a bit more civilly, no, I am not going to jump my date the second we have identified ourselves and introduced each other properly (Did I mention that I hate this online dating thing?). I have to fly out to LA (LA!!!! I seriously was _not_ in the mood for reasonable decisions when I agreed to this!) and get back to Georgia for my shift again that starts at seven in the morning. Hence the night-long babysit. Good Christ man, you and your assumptions …

 

(Why do I have the feeling that elaborating the T. would absolutely be worth it?)

 

Yours, indignantly,

Leonard

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlover.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlover.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: They have developed intelligent live of their own, no stopping them now …

 

Sexual intercourse!!!

 

Bones, I love you! No seriously … I am pretty sure that I haven’t heard that since I got the STD-lecture in biology way back when. Speaking of the STD-lecture: As much as I would like to hear that accented and surely lovely voice of yours, I am unmeasurably grateful that in our Muggle-universe, we do not have Howlers!

 

Secondly: YOU ARE GOING FOR A FIRST DATE ALL THE WAY FROM GEORGIA TO LA?!!!

Please accept my apology for the virtual shouting, but WHAT?! As I read that, I had my breakfast tacos falling out of my mouth which had Nyota lecturing me for the entire day about eating habits. Bones, I gotta say: You are one hell of a dedicated guy. I am in awe. I mean, who would do that? That is literally a flight across the whole expanse of the US! I can literally say that no one has done anything even close for me … ever. Does the guy even know what you are doing for him?

I truly hope that the guy you are meeting there is your very own Prince Charming. I keep my fingers crossed for you, man! After all, you could take him to the family-thing you have to bring someone to! Yay!

 

Still almost paralyzed by your awesomeness,

James Tiberius Kirk

(You definitely owned the T. by your upcoming action!)

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: That cannot be good …

 

Dear Tiberius,

 

I knew that the T. was worth it!

And even if the date will be complete crap, I still got your truly horrendous middle name out of it. I hope though that the really very, _very_ tightly scheduled trip will pay off. We’ll see about that I guess. Anyway, thanks to your good luck wishes, I surely will need them. Jesus Christ, I hope that everything will work out … and aren’t you kind to remind me of the upcoming family-reunion? Thanks for that, kid. But I surely won’t let the McCoy family loose and attack a potential partner this early in our relationship. Not before I had the time to brief him about all the attendees’ quirks which will take about two years and a half.

 

Also, what in God’s name are Howlers? Muggles?

 

Tomorrow’s the day, so keep your fingers crossed for me there, kid, if you’re not too busy spitting tacos (which are not a sufficient breakfast, by the way!).

Yours,

Leonard

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DON’T KNOW HARRY POTTER!!!!

 

Dear, ancient but chivalrous Bones,

 

alright, let’s get to the most pressing questions first:

 

  1. What are Muggles?



Muggles is the term applied to non-magic folk in the amazing universe of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series. So by definition (and if you are not hiding something from me, sneaky doctor) you and me, we both are Muggles. Sadly. Otherwise, it would be way more fun!

 

  1. What is a Howler?



A Howler is a piece of communication – a little red letter, to be precise – that magicians send if they are angry or want to get something through to another person quite … thoroughly. So once the addressor opens the red envelope, it magically turn to life and screams the written message at the recipient. Seriously, those things are terrifying. There has to be a clip on Youtube so go there and enter _Molly Weasley Howler_ and watch the following horrifying events.

 

  1. How was your date?



 

  1. How was your date?!



 

  1. HOW WAS YOUR DATE?!!!



 

  1. BOOOOOOONES!!! How was your date?



 

Waiting patiently,

Jim

 

P.S.: Seriously, I am going to check my mail minutely in order to get an immediate update if you decide to send one … Shit, I should have given you my cell number and act as your virtual wing man. Crap!

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, as some of you might be feeling a bit like Jim does in my story right now, I'll post something a bit longer than usual (- yay, I actually had some time for writing this ^^). I hope you enjoy ... and as always: Thanks for each and every comment you left. You guys are amazing <3

 

From: [kirk@stracrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@stracrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: As I am not a young Padawan, I am not patient … (- Star Wars, Bones)

 

Bones,

 

I know, I know, you are probably on your flight back to Georgia (I can’t believe that this was possible!) and you are most likely sleeping …

 

BUT!

 

Bones, it has been hours! I’ve been sipping coffee for the entire time … I might just inject it at this point because it won’t make any difference anymore. So end my suffering and give me something … anything Bones!

 

Keeping up the caffeine,

Jim

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: I am turning to the Dark Side now, Bones! (- Star Wars again)

 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOONES!!!!

 

No seriously, now you are being exceptionally cruel, even for you!

 

Taking on the red lightsaber,

Jim

 

 

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: I do know Star Wars, you infant!!!

 

Dear Jim,

 

just so you know, I’m turning to the Dark Side too. Hand over the goddamn lightsaber already!

 

To answer your questions 3-6:

Saying that the trip to LA was not worth it would be the understatement of the year. Who am I kidding here, of the century at least! One can safely say that everything that could go wrong, actually did.

First, the guy didn’t show up on time – which is fine, seriously. I was worried about that myself. But over an hour is something else! I was as close to storming off as a horse before breaking in. And then in he walked … and I’m not the presumptuous type of guy but first impressions are called first impressions for a reason. Well, that guy radiated overproportioned self-confidence … and not in a good or fun way. More in an “I’m trying to compensate”-way. But I told myself, don’t be too judgmental, give the guy the time to prove you wrong. Sadly for myself, he did not.

 

All he talked about were his accomplishments as a security guard in various clubs in San Francisco and that he studied to be an engineer or something and was the best of the best whose success was only shadowed by some kind of protégé-person called Montgomery Scott. Once we had arrived at that name, the level of our conversation sank like a stone in the water (even though I wouldn’t have considered that particular thing to be possible beforehand). He ranted about that Scott-guy like a lunatic and let me tell you something: I don’t know Montgomery Scott but I’m sure I’d worship him just so he would continue to make this guy’s life a living hell. Goodness gracious!

 

Needless to say, I did not contemplate on the matter if I should give that bull-headed narcissist a “good night-kiss”! The only thing he’d gotten from me would have been a kick in the spot where the sun never shines.

 

Holy cow, that was one hell of a mess!

 

I am very sorry that I burdened you with all this horseshit about Hendorff (yes, I am deliberately using last names here), it’s just that I needed to tell _SOMEONE_ because I am not giving either my daughter, my mother or my head-nurse potential to tease me forever. What in the name of Jesus, Mary and all the Saints was I thinking to take a trip like that for a guy I never met before?!

 

In desperate need of a break after a ten-hour shift following the disaster of a date,

Leonard

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: nkldjfijfkjsdfn eijdsfdsiuhfjldksjfdfsdjfldnvm cv nckvms !!!

 

Kd jfkdn kkmdfk djkcm ldkv jkkvdslklkx m  vmxcv xc mk v kcknvms,dvldkvkl ndklvksdlkvjdjv ck mxcmvnkldmc jkdsj ckdh jckdckdkcjhk dj jjksncnx cyh lvsosnvm klny y

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

…

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

 

Just give me a minute …

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: NYOTAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

I NEED YOU RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: Fwd: NYOTAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

Whops! Sorry Bones,

That wasn’t meant for you … got a little carried away there …

 

Hold on!

I’ll be with you shortly … AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: Okay, my pulse has calmed down to a reasonable degree now …

 

My dear and truly unlucky Bones,

 

I wish to offer you my sincere condolences!

(And just so you know, Nyota – my colleague – offers you just the same!)

 

I am so sorry – **_so sorry_** – that you appeared to have gotten in touch with the most stupid, shallow and narcissist being on the entire planet. Okay, that might be a bit harsh, but Hendorff – Hendorff!!! – really is the worst dating material ever! I didn’t even know he did something as dating! Let alone use the services of our website! … We were shocked, to say the least and would delete his profile right away, if Spock wouldn’t object “most thoroughly” – direct quote here – because of the damned professionalism. Maybe I can bribe Chekov or Scotty to deactivate it … We’ll see.

 

Okay, let me start from the beginning (because you of all people deserve that story):

I met Nyota in a bar in San Francisco at a wilder episode of my young life where I had just started student life myself and was convinced that heavy drinking was an integral part of the same. Which I tended to … almost every night. That particular and fateful night as well. So I came on to Nyota, obviously. She is stunning … OW! (She just hit my shoulder … OW!!! Again!) Well, we were bantering back and forth because she unfathomably was not charmed by my irresistible smile … OWW!!! Excuse me, Bones …

 

I’m back now. With a few bruises, but nevertheless. Okay, so back to the story:

That was the time Hendorff – or Cupcake, as we call him – decided to step in and save the damsel in distress. Long story short, it resulted in an epic fight that had me and Nyota form a lifelong friendship based equally on love, hate, respect and mutual despise of Cupcake that got strengthened only by me making the acquaintance of one Scottish bastard called Montgomery Scott, Scotty, student of engineering and way better at it than Cupcake. Who cannot accept that very fact … because the universe is too unfair for his non-present genius to be revealed. (Seriously, he built a torpedo that almost blew up most of the campus if Scotty had not interfered there …) Sadly, this meant that we have to encounter Cupcake even more but it is a price that Ny and me are willing to pay because Scotty is awesome.

 

Needless to elaborate, all of us were more than shocked to find out that he used our dating site – obviously not aware that it was ours. We were even more shocked to find out that he is gay (or bisexual … whatever!) as he is playing the masculine macho man most convincingly. So yeah, compensation all the way, Bones! Now don’t get me wrong here: I am not making fun of anybody’s sexual orientation – being bisexual myself – BUT! All those numerous times that asshat has made fun of me because of it! If I got a dollar for every time he had teased me about not being able to settle for either a girl or a guy I’d be lounging in a bungalow on the Maldives with males and females in tight swimwear feeding me grapes. … Not that I’m into that sort of thing, but you surely get the point. And now we have him, using OUR dating site to find men for his sexual adventures (GAH! Let’s not go there …) and going to LA (!!!) to meet men while he is prancing our campus, bragging about his latest FEMALE conquests. That fucking coward!

 

Hah, Bones! You again managed to make my day so much brighter – at your expanse and I’m so, so sorry about that. Really! But if there’s anything I can do for you – say the word and I’ll do it. Seriously!

 

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the other candidates are … nicer. Because you deserve one hell of a lot nicer than Hendorff! Wuah!!!

 

Feeling your pain,

Jim

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: Your pulse cannot clam down to a reasonable degree but to reasonable speed, you infant!

 

Dear Jim,

 

I don’t even know what I should answer to your last mail … well mails, plural.

I guess that I am happy that it was at least you who got something comparable to entertainment out of this goddamn episode. And believe it or not, I can actually imagine that asshat – I am adopting that term happily – prancing around telling everyone the blue of the skies. Just thinking about him telling the whole campus about his conquests makes me sick (as I am pretty sure this cannot be the sleep deprivation I have suffered from that ungodly trip anymore).

 

To be honest I don’t know if I am going on another date … well, certainly not to LA or somewhere like that again, but generally. This online dating-crap (sorry!) was a crackpot idea from the very start.

 

Tell Nyota and Scotty that they seem very friendly to me – Scotty for annoying Hendorff and Nyota for hitting you.

 

Yours,

Leonard

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: Bones, this is an intervention … (à HIMYM; read: How I Met Your Mother)

 

My dearest Bones,

 

due to the pressing nature of my quest I am deliberately overlooking the fact that you enjoy people hitting me (I should tell you from Nyota that she likes you; high praise Bones, I tell you. She just tolerates me – OW!). What has me writing this e-mail though is something very important that I need to tell you (and because it’s so important, it even gets its own paragraph):

 

DO NOT let an asshat like Hendorff discourage you!

 

Seriously, I won’t allow it! Yes, this meeting was very unfortunate, and yes, of course, you deserve so much better most of all considering the troubles you went through … BUT (and this is not some flowery phrase): There are many men out there who would like to date such a nice, intelligent, handsome even if sometimes slightly grumpy doctor (!) for crying out loud. There is someone for you out there Bones, just give it some more time.

 

I know that I am in no position to ask anything of you, believe me, but could you just date another guy that you have singled out from our website? Just one more?

Please Bones. I’m sure it will be way better than the last date and – as you are a southern man who loves his metaphors – it is like falling off a horse: You have to get back up there or otherwise you’ll be afraid of it all your life. So please Bones, for me.

 

Yours,

Puppy-dog-eyed Jim

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm ... hello.  
> I know there are no excuses for the agelong delay and all I can say is that I hope there are still some of you who will read this update. A huge thank you goes out to all of you who have left such lovely comments on the last chapter - and it was those that kept me going. You guys are amazing <3

 

From: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

To: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

Subject: Joanna actually knew about that reference …

 

Dear Jim,

 

I already gave it a shot. And no, I am not bullshitting you.

Today held an epiphany for me – well, actually two – and this is why I replied to a guy I had been texting with before. But one thing after another:

 

First, people at work started to notice that I was … a bit off. Not in a bad way as I would never let private matters interfere with my work and henceforth me patients, but subtly. So this was why my dear head-nurse cornered me today in the afternoon and asked me what was wrong. After I had fakely assured her that everything was fine, she said: “Cut the crap doctor, there is way more Eyebrow of Doom than usual!” Needless to say I had no idea that my eyebrows had a nickname until then. Apparently I raise them. … However, I told her about the family-anniversary that is still hanging like the sword of Damocles over me (that metaphor was placed intentionally), that Joanna is not doing too well in school (not academically but socially) and that I had a really shitty date on top of that. So she asked me about that date and once I got to the “I was dating a complete douche”-part and somehow dropped a pronoun there, her hands flew up to her mouth and she squealed (which I never heard her doing before): “You are gay?” While I was giving her the “Should I sew rainbow badges on my clothes?”-speech, slightly shocked that she would be judgmental like that realization dawned on me, so to speak. As I stopped mid-sentence and surely gave her THE EYEBROW OF DOOM she started running down the emergency unit with me chasing after her – much to the amusement of the staff and to the confusion of the patients. Long story short: My whole staff has paid for my application to your very professional website. Because they cared. Even though I was furious at the beginning, I do find it very endearing that they care so much – after some time of consideration.

That was one thing taken care of.

 

Secondly, when I picked Joanna up from her classes that day – she’s taking some voluntary classes one afternoon after school so I can pick her up directly after my shift – she asked me if Ben could stay over at ours for dinner. Ben is a kid from England who takes the same classes she does, who still has a very strong British accent that is kind of setting me on edge sometimes, but I am so happy that Jojo has finally found a friend. Apparently he is very smart, which explains a lot really. You see, my dear daughter is highly intelligent, and I am not saying this due to some fatherly overestimation, and as great as that is, it often distances her from other kids. Read: Kids who enjoy mostly other stuff than reading books in your free time. This has always been the case but after the divorce it had gotten worse which was why I had a few not very pleasant talks with her teachers.

… So, thank God for Ben (even if he slightly awkward and even a bit terrifying at times). Tell me, how can a kid of ten years with a head full of wild black curls be terrifying?

 

Anyway, as I considered this day to be a success and found another message from Dean in my inbox that evening, I decided to ask for us to meet. And we will, next Wednesday evening when he’s close to Atlanta (which means that I don’t have to get on another one of those terrifying airplanes).

 

All things considered, today went well. I hope with you too.

Yours,

Leo

 

 

 

 

From: [kirk@starcrossedlovers.org](mailto:kirk@starcrossedlovers.org)

To: [mccoy@hotmail.com](mailto:mccoy@hotmail.com)

Subject: Joanna is awesome =)

 

My very warm greetings to your Eyebrow of Doom, dear Bonesy,

 

and believe me, even if I only have seem pictures of and not the real you, I can say that I can imagine it perfectly and it surely is glorious. Just as glorious as the chase down the emergency section, I am certain. Oh my God, the images in my head Bones! Priceless!

 

But yay for you finding out the solution to the ever present mystery – I have to admit that everyone here at out office was anxious to find out what had happened there; your case is famous, Bones, and there is nothing you can do about it – and everybody found it hilarious. Again, we are all convinced that your colleagues are great and you should really be glad that they care that much about you. But you already said that you are so, as I said, yay!

 

Also yay for Ben. I know how hard it can be to find real friends and how amazing it is if you have finally found some. I’m sure Joanna will be fine, now that she has somebody to spend her time with. And just to be clear: I know a few cases of fatherly overestimation but I would never have thought that Joanna was one of them. I might remind you of your contemplation of her hidden stack of pocket money!

 

And a third yay for your date Bones. Seriously, I am proud of you (which might be the last thing that you want to hear from somebody who is – well not really but partly – responsible for that mess you have been through in the first place but I keep my fingers crossed for you). This time it will be better, I just know that (frankly because almost nobody can be worse than Cupcake).

 

I could not help but notice that you signed you last mail with Leo – something you never did before – and I feel oddly but not unpleasantly touched by that. I have no idea why.

 

Yours,

Jim

 

 

 


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